When I was sixteen I moved to southern California to live with my mom and step-dad. My parents divorced when I was very young and Douglas(the step-dad) came into our lives not too long after. To make a long story short, there were custody issues, court battles, and a kidnapping (not as dramatic as it sounds.) Suffice to say sometimes I lived in Kansas and sometimes I lived in California.
Shortly after I arrived in California I went out and looked for a part-time job. I found one the Sporting Goods and Toy Department at Sears. It was a great job, I made both an hourly wage and commission on the sales. Like many people, on my breaks I would go wonder around in the mall.
One day while browsing the aisles of Waldenbooks I found myself in the Self-Help or Psychology section. I came across a book that struck my interest. I was called The Best Little Boy in the World by Andrew Tobias. I looked through it, and then, I stole it.
I stole it because it was a memoir about a young man coming out of the closet. I stole it because I didn't think that the cashier would sell it to a sixteen year old. I stole it because I didn't want anyone to know that I too might be gay.
When I got home I went to my room and read the book. It changed my life. I suppose I had been dealing with my sexuality for most of my life, but Tobias's book revealed a new world to me. I had always understood that I had a physical attraction to males. I had even had some sexual experiences with other boys. But I had no idea that this could actually impact how I may live my life. I had always thought that I would still marry a woman and have kids. I never understood that men could have relationships with each other. The concept of being a homosexual or gay was very different to me than being a fag--something that other kids had called me since fourth grade.
I knew that I should throw the book away, but I didn't. Since it revealed so much to me I wanted to hold on to it. I locked it my suitcase and stuck it back in the closet. About a week or so later I came home after school and work to find my mother in a really bad mood. She had found the book. I was caught. My secret was out of the closet and after that day things would never be the same as they were before.
2 comments:
I've read that book, too, but couldn't relate. Not sure why. Tobias grew up to be the financial adviser to the Democratic National Party while I'm the poster-boy for American fiscal irresponsibility, so maybe that's it.
For me it wasn't so me much that i could relate to the whole story it was more that it opened my eyes to the possibility of romantic relationships between men.
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